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| Sitting at my desk, probably writing a blog. |
A lot of people ask if there was an AHA moment (thanks, Oprah. You make the memes go 'round), some Big Thing that happened. Why are you doing this? Why now? Was there some trauma or something incredible that occurred to you suddenly to make you finally get around to losing weight. Well, for me, yes and no.
Most people set out to lose weight and/or change their bodies at one time or another. However, from what I hear a lot of those people set out to achieve a specific weight, to fit into a size-whatever, in order to feel good about themselves. That's probably the first place I diverge from some of the pack. I already feel good about myself. I like myself a lot. My reasoning doesn't have so much to do with wanting to feel pretty, because I know I am, or wanting to feel awesome and strong, because I already am.
It doesn't make much sense if you just listen to the words but, the reason why I decided to do this is that I finally understand that I am beautiful at this size, that I have always been beautiful. Part of this is because of a revelation I experienced during the coming apart of my last relationship (which is a really poetic way of saying he left me). If there is a trauma to report, to point to, this is it. My breakup left a great big space in my life and I decided to fill it up with me. I gave so much to building a life with someone who just disappeared and what was left when he left was a lot of time to exercise, which I have always loved, and a lot of time to think, which always leads to big change.
During one of the last times I spoke to him, I realized how huge a wall I had kept between us because I couldn't believe that he could really want me as I was. I didn't believe in what he saw. Well, he didn't believe what I saw in him either and while trying to get him to understand how amazing he is, with him telling me I needed to understand how beautiful I am, I realized, "Damn, if he is wrong about himself, that means I have been wrong about myself too." It was a logic problem the last piece of which finally fit into place and suddenly all the things that people have always told me, the compliments and such, they meant that I have always been wrong about how I look. I have always been blind. The psychology of self-image is tricky.
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| Halloween 2010, I was a Diclonius |
Because I know now that even if I change I will still be me, and so still be beautiful. Some part of me used to think that it wasn't worth the effort because if I am physically ugly and unattractive and invisible, I will always be that, no matter what. The ways we self-sabotage can be deep and, well, ugly. But releasing that negative self-image, letting go of it finally, has allowed me to start focusing on becoming whatever I want. I don't have to be afraid to try. I don't have to be afraid to fail. In fact, I am not afraid of anything. Not even cake.
So what do I want to become? A cyclist. During the last year I discovered a love for cycling. I'm one of those who is in heaven in a bike shop; I like the smell of bike polish and I look at a beautiful carbon frame like a work of art. I want to ride those frames. I want to get a mountain bike and fall off of it a million times while trying to learn how to ride the trails. I want to get outside and do stuff. And I don't just want to ride—I want to run too. I have always liked the feeling of running. And I am going to climb all over stuff, trees and rocks and whatever gets in my way. I am going to dance and do yoga and do Turkish Get-Ups with that damn kettlebell without feeling like my muscles are actually wet paper. I have a good life now and I know that it will be a thousand times more fun when I don't have so much extra me to cart around. (Pedaling up a 7% grade on a 32-pound bike carrying an extra hundred pounds? Why would I want to do that?)
Anyway, I already do most of this stuff now but I want more. I am greedy for life. That's why I am doing this. I want to take this newly discovered, more complete me and go out and do stuff. Along the way, I'm going to lose some weight and I would like it to be done right.
I guess the real answer to "why now?" is, Why wait?
