There's a SpongeBob episode, Something Smells, where he wakes up to the foghorn, ties his sheet around his "neck" and rides the next foghorn bubble blast like Superman, hitting the Sunday square on the big calendar on the wall saying, "Wow! It's Sunday ... guess what's for breakfast?"
(Breakfast is a sundae, get it?)
Though last week I woke up with a similar attitude, today I did not. I seem to be in a bad mood. To be blunt, I hate everything. I would burn down the world if I could. This is not like me. I wouldn't say I am exactly a ball of joy lately but I generally do better than this. Why the bad mood? Breakup stuff. My teeth hurt (badly impacted wisdom tooth and no dental insurance). My mind is a treacherous bitch somedays and those days I just wake up full of sadness and latent, almost ghostlike, impotent rage. It's not typical but it happens.
In an attempt to counteract it I did not take my Day of Rest and instead had a dance party to see if raising endorphins would lower my stress and take my mind off of all the little terrible things that I can't seem to stop dwelling on. I don't like being controlled by little terrible things, especially things that have already been taken from me and things I cannot control. So I danced them out of my mind. Of particular help was LMFAO's "Party Rock" and Pitbull's oh-so-indelicate "Move Shake Drop" remix; it's hard to think about anything dancing to that one. Now, before I have to try to sleep, I figure I will take the respite from my foul mood to post an update.
I am still not doing so well with food. I mean, I keep coming in under my calorie goals. I am wondering if this is cause and effect with the bad mood. Painful teeth notwithstanding, I have felt worse and not been so down about it. And though I know that getting over the breakup has its highs and lows, if all I have to do to manage this better is eat more and more reliably I am willing to try. It's been tough this week though. It's too hot to want to eat (which may have quite a lot to do with my anger at least—I cannot stand heat. Summer is a level of Hell). And my sleep is suffering as well.
Still, even with reduced exercise, because of the heat and my lack of enthusiasm, I am in the red this week with an overall average loss of a little over another inch. I find I am losing more and faster from my waist measurement (-2.5" just this week) than anywhere else. Now that I said that I have to go knock on a whole bunch of wood. I'd rather lose a lot quickly from waist and hips than from...well, other places.
So that's the news. Summer is kicking my ass. I still did my long ride this week and I feel pretty well-accomplished about that. If the heat doesn't break soon I might go into hibernation. I also might cut all my hair off. If you've never tried sleeping peacefully in 90-degree heat (with over 80% humidity) with three feet of hair curling all over like a fur blanket...well, I'll just say it's a damn miracle every year that I don't just shave my head in my sleep.
On a positive note, just six more weeks of this. September, you are my superhero.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Just one of the ways I suck at eating
I have a strange relationship with food. I guess since I need to lose so much weight that that is fairly obvious. I don't crave foods often; I don't really have a problem staying away from food. My issue these days, and has been for a few years, is making myself eat. I resent food for needing to be eaten.
I can't just not eat. I can't just eat a lot all at once to avoid being hungry for a while. If I skip meals, it makes me sick. If I ignore my hunger it makes me sick...food is a really whiny, high maintenance baby (or rather, I suppose my digestive system is), and unlike a baby, I am free to resent food for being a jerk.
I just resent having to eat all the damn time. I resent food for being the focus of at least 75% of social interactions. Since becoming vegan, I resent food for being the thing that people pick on me for. Not that I can't handle it—I can—but that doesn't mean it's fun to hear the same few comments over and over,
"Oh I could never be vegan I just love cheese!"
—"Oh, that's fine; I am not here recruiting."
"How do you get your protein?"
—"I eat really healthy food all day long, like a rabbit."
and of course, "I thought vegans were all super skinny."
—"Eat a dick."
But despite all that, the main reason I resent food is that I will always have to deal with it. If I were addicted to eating it would be worse, I suppose. I mean, it's not like people who have a food addiction have the choice of just never eating again. In my case, it's just the fact that I have to think about it all the time. I wake up and I eat oatmeal that I put in the fridge the night before, so my food day begins eight hours before I even get up. I workout, have a snack (and if I am riding, I snack during the ride), make lunch, work, snack. I get dinner started, do yoga, eat dinner, work, snack, get breakfast ready for the morning and gratefully brush my teeth, knowing that once I do that I don't have to eat anymore.
I suppose this is one of those things about me that does not make sense. I like food, I just hate that I need it. I like the tastes of things (that's probably how I put on so much weight in the first place, that and social eating) but however tasty, I don't want to have to eat them. And I really enjoy cooking but I never really have as much fun consuming the meal as I do making it; even preparing and planning a recipe is more fun for me than eating.
I just spent most of the evening making dinner, which was fun. It tastes fine, I mean, it's yum. But do I want to eat? No, not at all. Especially when I eat alone, my food enthusiasm fizzles out the second I finish plating.
I ate. I can make myself eat when I know I have to but, ugh. What a chore. It's like doing the laundry. Except with laundry I have the option of just doing all of it at once and then just never wearing clothes again.
My calorie goal for the day, most days, is supposed to be close to two thousand. Today I have barely cleared a thousand and it's already eleven o'clock at night. Call me crazy but I don't see myself eating another grand before bedtime.
I will try again tomorrow?
I guess that's all any of us can do.
I can't just not eat. I can't just eat a lot all at once to avoid being hungry for a while. If I skip meals, it makes me sick. If I ignore my hunger it makes me sick...food is a really whiny, high maintenance baby (or rather, I suppose my digestive system is), and unlike a baby, I am free to resent food for being a jerk.
I just resent having to eat all the damn time. I resent food for being the focus of at least 75% of social interactions. Since becoming vegan, I resent food for being the thing that people pick on me for. Not that I can't handle it—I can—but that doesn't mean it's fun to hear the same few comments over and over,
"Oh I could never be vegan I just love cheese!"
—"Oh, that's fine; I am not here recruiting."
"How do you get your protein?"
—"I eat really healthy food all day long, like a rabbit."
and of course, "I thought vegans were all super skinny."
—"Eat a dick."
But despite all that, the main reason I resent food is that I will always have to deal with it. If I were addicted to eating it would be worse, I suppose. I mean, it's not like people who have a food addiction have the choice of just never eating again. In my case, it's just the fact that I have to think about it all the time. I wake up and I eat oatmeal that I put in the fridge the night before, so my food day begins eight hours before I even get up. I workout, have a snack (and if I am riding, I snack during the ride), make lunch, work, snack. I get dinner started, do yoga, eat dinner, work, snack, get breakfast ready for the morning and gratefully brush my teeth, knowing that once I do that I don't have to eat anymore.
I suppose this is one of those things about me that does not make sense. I like food, I just hate that I need it. I like the tastes of things (that's probably how I put on so much weight in the first place, that and social eating) but however tasty, I don't want to have to eat them. And I really enjoy cooking but I never really have as much fun consuming the meal as I do making it; even preparing and planning a recipe is more fun for me than eating.
I just spent most of the evening making dinner, which was fun. It tastes fine, I mean, it's yum. But do I want to eat? No, not at all. Especially when I eat alone, my food enthusiasm fizzles out the second I finish plating.
I ate. I can make myself eat when I know I have to but, ugh. What a chore. It's like doing the laundry. Except with laundry I have the option of just doing all of it at once and then just never wearing clothes again.
My calorie goal for the day, most days, is supposed to be close to two thousand. Today I have barely cleared a thousand and it's already eleven o'clock at night. Call me crazy but I don't see myself eating another grand before bedtime.
I will try again tomorrow?
I guess that's all any of us can do.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Do not want
This is the first time in a Long time that I have absolutely not wanted to work out. I kept saying, "but I have soo much work to do." Which is ultimately what made me realize that I was dragging my feet about it. I love to put off work. I actually get a sick thrill out of leaving everything 'til the last minute.
The only thing that made me just get up and raise my heart rate was the Walk DVD. My mother sent it to me a while ago when she heard that I needed something to fill my hours, and she knows how much I dislike being in direct sunlight. I was skeptical at first, I admit, but having it as an option really makes it easy to talk myself into getting in an hour of exercise. I would absolutely not have done it if it meant going outside (it's late) and I am giving my legs an extra day off from strength training (I have a killer kettlebell day planned). Anyway, my advice to you is, even if you think that you will never use them, find some DVDs or online follow-along fitness routines to sub in on days you need to shake it up, some incentive or some easy way to talk yourself into working even when you are determined not to. You won't regret it.
The only thing that made me just get up and raise my heart rate was the Walk DVD. My mother sent it to me a while ago when she heard that I needed something to fill my hours, and she knows how much I dislike being in direct sunlight. I was skeptical at first, I admit, but having it as an option really makes it easy to talk myself into getting in an hour of exercise. I would absolutely not have done it if it meant going outside (it's late) and I am giving my legs an extra day off from strength training (I have a killer kettlebell day planned). Anyway, my advice to you is, even if you think that you will never use them, find some DVDs or online follow-along fitness routines to sub in on days you need to shake it up, some incentive or some easy way to talk yourself into working even when you are determined not to. You won't regret it.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Progress Report? Update? Eventually I will think of something clever to call this.
Stating for the record: I have no idea what I am doing in terms of goals, long-term, short or whatever. I don't have a weekly goal for centimeters lost. I don't yet have a scale so I can't judge by the whole 1 to 2 pounds a week rule. I am going to put a plan and a goal schedule together and I am going to write it all out and template things and I might get to do some graphs (hooray, graphs!), but for now, negative numbers is the goal right?
I can report that I am in the red this week. I took my measurements last week (I was looking at a page of anime costumes, trying to figure out how many sizes I would have to lose to wear clothes manufactured for young Japanese girls). Anyway, from last week to this I am down an average of 3.1cm, which is a little over an inch. I don't know if that's "right" or whatever but I know it is smaller than before and my pants corroborate so, good. Except for the occasional fear that I am going to be out of wearable pants in a few weeks, this is good.
This week I worked on upping my calories on long ride days so that I am not wiped out by night time. Also I wanted to avoid the possibility of going nuts and eating everything in the house at dinner on those nights. It seemed good practice to just plan for extra calories. I also added some strength training to my schedule and it kicked my ass. In a good way but I am really shocked by which parts of me are sore. I didn't realize my triceps were so weak. Not for long.
I hit my training goals. I hit my food goals. I hit my writing goals. I rule.
I realized the other night that tomorrow begins Week 7 of my journey. The first two weeks were sort of warm-up weeks, mostly relearning how to eat, but even so, WEEK 7. I can all kinds of feel my collar bones again. In fact, when I swipe my sweaty chin against my shoulder when I'm riding I often hit bone. It sounds like this: "Ow! Huh, cool."
I can report that I am in the red this week. I took my measurements last week (I was looking at a page of anime costumes, trying to figure out how many sizes I would have to lose to wear clothes manufactured for young Japanese girls). Anyway, from last week to this I am down an average of 3.1cm, which is a little over an inch. I don't know if that's "right" or whatever but I know it is smaller than before and my pants corroborate so, good. Except for the occasional fear that I am going to be out of wearable pants in a few weeks, this is good.
This week I worked on upping my calories on long ride days so that I am not wiped out by night time. Also I wanted to avoid the possibility of going nuts and eating everything in the house at dinner on those nights. It seemed good practice to just plan for extra calories. I also added some strength training to my schedule and it kicked my ass. In a good way but I am really shocked by which parts of me are sore. I didn't realize my triceps were so weak. Not for long.
I hit my training goals. I hit my food goals. I hit my writing goals. I rule.
I realized the other night that tomorrow begins Week 7 of my journey. The first two weeks were sort of warm-up weeks, mostly relearning how to eat, but even so, WEEK 7. I can all kinds of feel my collar bones again. In fact, when I swipe my sweaty chin against my shoulder when I'm riding I often hit bone. It sounds like this: "Ow! Huh, cool."
Quick, everyone, Do Nothing!
I live across the street from a church, down the street from a church and up the street and around the corner from yet another church. I like to think they don't compete for congregates but it is also fun to think of them having little sit-downs about how to increase worship. A bikini carwash, I would think, is out.
Though it is the weather for it today. It's so hot I might have to put on clothes...that probably made more sense in my head than it does to you.
Anyway, in keeping up with the Churches I have set Sundays as my Day of Rest. The first two weeks it was a coincidence but now it's official. My body really needs a weekly break from training and sweating and my mind can use a break for that matter as well. Changing is hard work. Especially this real type of change where you have to be honest with yourself and be your own personal trainer, motivator. Sometimes all you really feel like doing is laying in bed reading all day. Which is probably what I will be doing today. I might be reading Shape, learning how to get glamorous Glutes, or whatever, but today I won't be doing even a single squat thrust. Not one.
It is important to think of all this not as a diet or "weight loss program," because if you do you end up feeling like it will be impossible to do the rest of your natural life...which you have just made longer by getting healthy. Everyone agrees: it should be a lifestyle change and all of those changes should be sustainable. And I am never going to be willing to give up my Do Nothing Days, nor do I think it necessary. Even at my most self-indulgent I couldn't undo the work I do during the week. I am not worried. Today isn't a "cheat" day either. I don't believe in cheat days; I believe in moderation and self-awareness. So Day of Rest doesn't mean I am going to be eating vegan Twinkies all day, especially because it would mean making vegan Twinkies. It's crazy, Shitty Corner Grocery Store doesn't seem to carry them.
I just briefly fantasized about the Boston cream donut over at Vegan Treats, hmm... Mmmm...
Bleh, no, that would mean riding out there in this heat, ugh, and then riding back with a stomach full of sugar and Palm Oil. [imaginary heat-induced vomiting] I mean, they are tasty but, uh, no thank you.
Plus: DAY OF REST!
I woke up this morning and threw my arms up over my head, which was still buried in the pillow, and shouted, into the pillow, DAY OF REST! and then had a giggle fit.
It's these little moments with myself I enjoy the most sometimes.
Though it is the weather for it today. It's so hot I might have to put on clothes...that probably made more sense in my head than it does to you.
Anyway, in keeping up with the Churches I have set Sundays as my Day of Rest. The first two weeks it was a coincidence but now it's official. My body really needs a weekly break from training and sweating and my mind can use a break for that matter as well. Changing is hard work. Especially this real type of change where you have to be honest with yourself and be your own personal trainer, motivator. Sometimes all you really feel like doing is laying in bed reading all day. Which is probably what I will be doing today. I might be reading Shape, learning how to get glamorous Glutes, or whatever, but today I won't be doing even a single squat thrust. Not one.
It is important to think of all this not as a diet or "weight loss program," because if you do you end up feeling like it will be impossible to do the rest of your natural life...which you have just made longer by getting healthy. Everyone agrees: it should be a lifestyle change and all of those changes should be sustainable. And I am never going to be willing to give up my Do Nothing Days, nor do I think it necessary. Even at my most self-indulgent I couldn't undo the work I do during the week. I am not worried. Today isn't a "cheat" day either. I don't believe in cheat days; I believe in moderation and self-awareness. So Day of Rest doesn't mean I am going to be eating vegan Twinkies all day, especially because it would mean making vegan Twinkies. It's crazy, Shitty Corner Grocery Store doesn't seem to carry them.
I just briefly fantasized about the Boston cream donut over at Vegan Treats, hmm... Mmmm...
Bleh, no, that would mean riding out there in this heat, ugh, and then riding back with a stomach full of sugar and Palm Oil. [imaginary heat-induced vomiting] I mean, they are tasty but, uh, no thank you.
Plus: DAY OF REST!
I woke up this morning and threw my arms up over my head, which was still buried in the pillow, and shouted, into the pillow, DAY OF REST! and then had a giggle fit.
It's these little moments with myself I enjoy the most sometimes.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
First green tea and now this
Blueberries in your daily diet helps your skin look younger
What? DAMMIT!
Do they have to be raw? I bet they do.
I hate blueberries.
What? DAMMIT!
Do they have to be raw? I bet they do.
I hate blueberries.
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