Just one of the ways I suck at eating

I have a strange relationship with food. I guess since I need to lose so much weight that that is fairly obvious. I don't crave foods often; I don't really have a problem staying away from food. My issue these days, and has been for a few years, is making myself eat. I resent food for needing to be eaten.

I can't just not eat. I can't just eat a lot all at once to avoid being hungry for a while. If I skip meals, it makes me sick. If I ignore my hunger it makes me sick...food is a really whiny, high maintenance baby (or rather, I suppose my digestive system is), and unlike a baby, I am free to resent food for being a jerk.

I just resent having to eat all the damn time. I resent food for being the focus of at least 75% of social interactions. Since becoming vegan, I resent food for being the thing that people pick on me for. Not that I can't handle it—I can—but that doesn't mean it's fun to hear the same few comments over and over,
"Oh I could never be vegan I just love cheese!"
—"Oh, that's fine; I am not here recruiting."
"How do you get your protein?"
—"I eat really healthy food all day long, like a rabbit."
and of course, "I thought vegans were all super skinny."
—"Eat a dick."

But despite all that, the main reason I resent food is that I will always have to deal with it. If I were addicted to eating it would be worse, I suppose. I mean, it's not like people who have a food addiction have the choice of just never eating again. In my case, it's just the fact that I have to think about it all the time. I wake up and I eat oatmeal that I put in the fridge the night before, so my food day begins eight hours before I even get up. I workout, have a snack (and if I am riding, I snack during the ride), make lunch, work, snack. I get dinner started, do yoga, eat dinner, work, snack, get breakfast ready for the morning and gratefully brush my teeth, knowing that once I do that I don't have to eat anymore.

I suppose this is one of those things about me that does not make sense. I like food, I just hate that I need it. I like the tastes of things (that's probably how I put on so much weight in the first place, that and social eating) but however tasty, I don't want to have to eat them. And I really enjoy cooking but I never really have as much fun consuming the meal as I do making it; even preparing and planning a recipe is more fun for me than eating.

I just spent most of the evening making dinner, which was fun. It tastes fine, I mean, it's yum. But do I want to eat? No, not at all. Especially when I eat alone, my food enthusiasm fizzles out the second I finish plating.
I ate. I can make myself eat when I know I have to but, ugh. What a chore. It's like doing the laundry. Except with laundry I have the option of just doing all of it at once and then just never wearing clothes again.

My calorie goal for the day, most days, is supposed to be close to two thousand. Today I have barely cleared a thousand and it's already eleven o'clock at night. Call me crazy but I don't see myself eating another grand before bedtime.
I will try again tomorrow?
I guess that's all any of us can do.